


The Voices in our Head (are all singing Valley Girls)

by EstaJay



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, all because I something where the Squip sings Popular, squiped!Evan, squiped!Jeremy, step brothers au, to an extent?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 14:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12192060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstaJay/pseuds/EstaJay
Summary: Jeremy and Evan go halves on the SQUIP pill. Nothing too bad could happen, right?orIn which Jeremy's SQUIP uses positive reinforcement and Evan gains a Greek Chorus





	The Voices in our Head (are all singing Valley Girls)

**Author's Note:**

> Who knows what will come of this. I'm just procrastinating and wishing that it wasn't my last year of high school.

Jeremy stared at the grey pill in his hand. Supposedly, it was a supercomputer that was guaranteed to make his life better or, more likely, it was a six hundred dollar scam that was going to poison him or something and land him in hospital . At least Heidi was a nurse, right? What great bonding time with his new step-mom, getting his stomach pumped in the ER ward. 

Then again, serves him right for believing all of Rich's BS. A pill that would lead to instant popularity? That had crazy written all over and Jeremy had been gullible enough to believe it.                   

His palms were sweating the more he stared at the pill. What was he even nervous about? Swallow it, down some Mountain Dew and figure out whether it's a miracle worker or an instant stomach ache. At least with the latter he would have a get out of school free card. 

Jeremy should have just downed the pill last night instead of contemplating the next morning. Now his dad or step-mom or step-brother could walk in at any time and-

There was a slight knock as the door creaked open. Speak of…

“Uh Jeremy? Are...are you ready, y-yet? Mr Heere...umm your - I mean, our dad said that he’ll be dropping us off to school cause you know...it’s too far to walk and we don’t really know any of the bus routes so we might get lost and late so he wanted to make sure that we got to school safely for the first day- umm, well...my first day since your school started a week earlier than mine and-”

Then Evan Hansen, his older brother as of last March, froze in the doorway with his hand glued the doorknob and injured arm cradled close to his chest. His eyes widened as they fell on Jeremy, holding a bottle of soda and… a grey pill. Fuck.

“I-is th-that drugs?!”

“No! Wait! It’s uh…” Shit, what was he supposed to say? “...It’s better than drugs, it’s from Japan!” Real smooth. 

“Oh God...Oh God…” Evan had crumpled to the floor, clutching the doorknob like a lifeline and hyperventilating. It was a miracle that he hadn’t fainted yet. “My brother’s doing foreign drugs and he’s going to die and Mom and Mr Heere are going to get a divorce and it’s going to be long and messy and then they’ll both declare bankruptcy and-”

Jeremy rushed to his brother’s side. “Ok, Evan. It’s fine, it’s going to be fine. Just breathe, right? In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. C’mon, do it with me. In, two, three four. Hold, six, seven and eight.”

Evan had calmed down slightly but his gaze was still fixed on Jeremy’s closed palm. “Y-you’re do-doing drugs…I’m a terrible brother...”

“Evan, don’t worry this isn’t drugs and you’re not a bad brother.” Jeremy reassured him. “Besides, I’ve done worse in Michael’s basement…”

“You’ve done what in Michael’s basement?!”

Jeremy flinched slightly. “Okay, bad move. But look…” he said, holding the pill up to Evan’s nose. “Does this look like drugs to you?”

“It looks like the inside of a computer…” Evan said, eying the pill cautiously. 

“Yup, it is a Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor uh...SQUIP for short. Someone told me about it at school and said that it’ll help me be more cool and stuff.”

“And you believed them? How much was it?”

“...six hundred dollars.”

“Six hundred?!”

“Yeah, I know. It’s probably a scam but...if it did work…”

Evan’s eyes softened. He knew exactly how Jeremy was feeling. Afterall, they were both high school losers. Left behind, forgotten and stuck in the in between. 

Then it hit him. “Hey Evan! Maybe we should split it.” Jeremy said. 

“Wh-what?! But you were the one who bought it.” Evan protested. “If anyone deserves to be seen, it’s you.”

Jeremy slung an arm around Evan’s shoulder. “If there’s one thing that I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that you never leave your brother behind. Besides if the line down the middle does what I think it does…” He gave the pill a slight squeeze in the middle and it popped cleanly into two halves. From the cross-section it was apparent now that the thing definitely wasn’t drugs, miniature circuits and wires whizzing about from within. 

Jeremy dropped one half into Evan’s good hand, which he had pried off from the door knob. 

“Are-are you sure about this?” Evan asked.

“Positive.” Now he had only half the pill in his hand, Jeremy felt much more confident.

Evan, however, remained skeptical. “But what if something goes wrong if we only take half the pill? It might fry our brains or turn us into zombies that’ll infect the entire school or-”

“Chill, Evan.” Jeremy said. “If this thing wasn’t supposed to be taken as halves, why did it break in two so easily?”

“Uh...fair enough.”

“Besides, we won’t be in this alone. We’ll have each other.” Jeremy raised the half-pill between his fingers. “To not being losers.”

“To not being losers.” Evan followed weakly.

Then they both swallowed the pill followed by a gulp of Mountain Dew each. 

And…

And…

“Do you feel any different?”

“No, do you?”

“Nope.”

...It was a scam. 

“Boys! Are you ready yet?” Jeremy’s...no their dad called from down the hall.

“Give us five minutes!” Jeremy yelled back. Then he deflated. “There goes my bar mitzvah money.”

Evan patted him on the back. “I’ll pay you back.”

“You don’t  have to.”

“I want to. Besides I took half the pill too.”

“Thanks.” Jeremy turned to Evan and smiled. “Y’know, you’re a pretty good brother.”

“I had a great role model after all.” Evan replied with a playful nudge. 

* * *

Throughout the day, Jeremy felt absolutely no different from his normal geeky loser self. Even after Evan’s and later Michael’s reassurance that everything will be fine, he still felt like a complete idiot for being scammed like that. Five hundred dollars was a lot of money, no matter what way you look at it.

Then he saw Christine at the mall...with Jake. Maybe all the SQUIP needed was a situation to activate itself. Yeah, that’s right. Straightening his posture and brushing some dirt of his shirt, he walked over when…

“Ow.” Something shocked him. 

[.TARGET...zzt... FEMALE INACCESSIBLE]

“Ow what the hell…”

[CALIB..zzt...RATION IN PROCESS. PLEASE...zzt... EXCUSE SOME MILD DISCOMFORT]

“Mild?!”

And the pain started, shocks all across his body.

“Jeremy what’s wrong?!”

“Dude! The freak’s freakin’ out!”

[CALIBRATION...zzt... COMPLETE. ACCESS PROCE..zzt..DURE INITIATED]

Jeremy stumbled back to his feet. “W-w-wait. I’m fine.”

[DISCOMFORT LEVEL MAY INCREASE.]

And the shocks returned. Every nerve, every muscle, like a full body electrocution.

[ACCE...zzt...ING: NEURAL MEMORY]

[ACCESSING: MUSCLE MEM...zzt...ORY]

[ACCESS PROCEDURE COM...zzzt….]

[...]

[...]

And it stopped. 

But the world around him had lost all colour and all the people in the mall had disappeared. 

Oh God, maybe Evan was right. Taking only half the pill must have short-circuited the SQUIP somehow. Dear God, what about Evan?

“Jeremy Heere!” a shrill voice trilled behind him. 

Jeremy turned to see a bouncy blonde woman in white. “Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.” She said cheerfully, an impossibly wide and cheery grin plastered onto her face. “Your SQUIP.”

“My wha…?”

“Your SQUIP, deary!” the woman cried, catching Jeremy in a bone-crushing hug. “And now that I’m here, it’s my job to make you popular!”

Jeremy’s eyes widened. “Really?”

Then the SQUIP started...singing? “Now whenever I see children as pitiful as you, and tell me, who isn’t as pitiful as you…”

“Wow, great vote of confidence.” Jeremy said glumly. 

“My circuitry starts processing the deed...And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over. I know, I know exactly what they need.”

“B-but-” The SQUIP brought a finger to his lips, effectively silencing him. 

“Hush.” She said with a wink. “And even in your case, though it’s the toughest case I’ve yet to face, don’t worry I’m determined to succeed. Follow my lead and yes indeed, you will be...popular.”

“Really?!” Jeremy perked up. 

The SQUIP threw him another bright smile. “You’re gonna be popular! I’ll teach you the proper whirls when you talk to girls, little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh!” She pulled him closer and started picking at his clothing. “I’ll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair.”  

“But what’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” Jeremy protested, pushing the SQUIP’s hands away from his hair.

The SQUIP merely tsked at the interruption. “Deary, you’ll find that every little thing counts if you want to be popular! You’ll hang with the right cohorts, you’ll be good at sports and know the slang you got to know...”

“Jeremy? Hey, Jeremy!”

[AURAL NERVE BLOCKING ON]

The SQUIP wrapped an arm around Jeremy’s shoulder as she lead him through the mall. “So let’s start…” 

“Hey Jeremy! What’s going on buddy?” Michael yelled, waving his arms wildly in his vain attempts to gain Jeremy’s attention. 

[OPTIC NERVE BLOCKING ON]

“Because you’ve got an awfully long way to go.”

Jeremy grinned as he followed the SQUIP, completely oblivious that he was leaving his best friend behind. Maybe now he won’t be such a loser anymore. 

* * *

Evan was alone in the school computer lab when the shocks started. The SQUIP he swallowed that morning was obviously malfunctioning and now he was going to die and no one was going to find him until the janitor came along but if the janitor only cleaned the computer lab every other week then some poor person was going to stumble upon his rotting corpse and then they’ll call the cops and his parents who will think it was an accident or suicide or  _ murder  _ and-

“Evan Hansen!” A trio of female voices cried. 

Evan looked up from his fetal position on the floor. All the colour had drained from world, leaving it in a dull grey tone, and there before him were three women dressed in white. 

“I see dead people!” Evan shrieked, scrambling backwards until he hit a computer chair. 

“Oh no honey…”

“We’re your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor …”

“...or SQUIP for short.”

“And we’re here to help!” The trio said in unison. 

“B-but why are there three of you?” 

One of them grabbed him by his good arm and pulled him up. “Honey, this is a tragedy.” she said.

“And every tragedy needs a Greek Chorus!” Another finished. 

The trio then spun out, making a triangle formation. “Greek Cho-rus!” They sang. 

Dear God, what hallucinations was his brain coming up with? Even that was working against him now. It should know that people plus Evan equal total disaster but now there were three women crowding around him claiming to be a supercomputer and…

“Breathe! Honey, breathe!” one of the Chorus members said, rubbing circles into his back. 

Evan slowly regained control over his breathing. “Th-thanks.” He said. Great, how was he supposed to get better with interacting with people when he freaked out at the manifestations of his mind? Even they had no confidence in him, his life was a tragedy after all…

One of them grabbed him by the shoulder. “Honey, get off the doom and gloom train before you get a one way trip to Depression-ville.” 

“Yeah, don’t want you ‘falling’ out of anymore trees.” Another added. 

Of course they knew about that. Evan could practically hear the quotation marks. 

Then one brought a hand to her lips. “Oh, I see what the problem is. It’s nothing physical but spiritual.”

“And we know who exactly knows a ton about spirit!” the other two turned to the one rubbing Evan’s back (he really should devise a way to tell them apart). 

The final member of the Chorus grinned. “Okay, honey! Time for a little confidence building exercise! Now watch me while I walk away.” She sauntered with a hair flick and...were their miniskirts always that short?!

“Bend and snap!” She sang, bending low that her- Oh God, his face was heating up. He shouldn’t be seeing this. He shouldn’t be seeing this. 

“Feel how hot it’s getting!”

“Bend and snap!” Oh God, now they were all doing it. Evan covered his eyes with his hands. This was inappropriate and skimpy. Oh no, oh no...

“And when you got them sweating spring the trap and cheer and clap! No tight end can defend against the bend and snap!”

Evan peeked out from behind his fingers. Good they were all decent now at least. “That’s easy for you to say…” he muttered. 

“And you!” One exclaimed as the trio closed in around him. “If you want to join the team then fake some self-esteem!”

“The more you jump around and scream, the sexier you seem.”

Evan felt his breath hitching again. “Sorry, girls b-but I don’t work that way. This won’t work if I tried all day. I-I th-think I need an asthma spray…”

They grabbed him by the shoulders before he could walk away. “But wait before you walk away!”   
“Just bend and snap!” 

They pushed his back down and brought him back up so suddenly Evan swore he definitely heard something snap. “Ow!”

“Look how good your getting!” False words of encouragement but encouragment nonetheless.  

But Evan couldn’t deal with it anymore. These new voices in his head were doing everything but helping and right now he was feeling light headed and woozy and ready to faint. 

“Look, I really appreciate the help b-but this isn’t going to work.” Evan sniffed. Great, now he was crying. “It’s never going to work. This won’t help anything and  _ you guys  _ aren’t helping anything and-”

The Greek Chorus looked downcasted. “Just do it once then we’ll go away honey.” 

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Okay.” If one silly dance move was going to give him some peace of mind, he might as well do it. 

Evan reached down to his toes, “Bend…and snap!” and jolted straight back up, arms straight in the air. 

“Shit!”

There was a sudden thump. 

Evan’s Greek Chorus was gone, the world was back in colour and...Connor Murphy was unconscious on  the floor with a bloody nose. 

Evan paled. “Oh crap.”


End file.
